He was the third friend I had ever managed to make in my life. The first was my brother and the second was happily married.
[It feels so stupid trying to defend this. Hindsight is 20/20 and all. He should have just been content pining after a married man and knowing full well he could never have him. But Bill had been so smart, and so funny, and so mysterious, and had made him feel good about himself. Like maybe he really could change the world.]
I was lonely and easily-manipulated. I suppose he wanted as much leverage as he could get. Once I discovered his true nature and stopped listening to him he resorted to other avenues. That's what I meant when I said that sort of thing was always something he found funny. As a being with no physical form the concept of pain was novel to him.
[Chloe is still trying to process it, honestly. It's not that she's. Judging. Because she's very not, considering her history. But wow. This suddenly has even more layers than she previously thought.]
Dude, he totally took advantage of you! I don't think you realize how many movies there are about how this kind of shit isn't okay.
[And not only that-]
Look, I- [She lets out an audible "ugh", because sharing her feelings and relating personally is. Weird. So she's gotta make a show of it.] back in my universe. Someone lied to someone I was... I was close to. [That's putting it mildly.] He made her believe things, and then she- she was murdered. Do you think that was her fault? Fuck no!
[Whuf. Ford physically pulls back a little from the tiny screen.]
Of course that wasn't her fault. It's...
[It's the same damn thing, no matter how much he feels like it ought to be different for him. He sure doesn't think it was Dipper's fault that Bill manipulated him. Of course it wasn't.]
I realize that he took advantage of me. Trust me. I know that he was a monster. When torturing me didn't work he moved on to my family.
[His voice is quiet. This is the crux of it, isn't it, because if it had just been him he'd be a lot more at peace with it. He would have willingly died to stop Bill. For a long time that was the plan. But then his brother and Mabel and Dipper got drawn into it, and he feels incredible guilt still over the knowledge that his hubris could have gotten them killed. In a way it did kill his brother, and it was only thanks to a miracle that he was brought back.]
He couldn't kill me because he needed the information that was in my mind, where he couldn't get to it. But he tried very, very hard to kill my niece and nephew.
[So when he was shocked just now, it wasn't just the torture itself that was brought back. It was those days he spent desperately hoping his family was safe, knowing they probably weren't. It was hearing Bill say maybe torturing those kids will make you talk. It was seeing Mabel and Dipper struggling in Bill's hand and knowing that two children were about to die because of his mistakes.]
[As he talks, Chloe zips up her hoodie and makes her way outside. This has been a really heavy conversation, it's time to smoke up. She's listening as she moves through the inn and steps out the back door.
She moves over to a secluded spot and sets the gear down so that she can light up her bowl and take a big draw.]
Even for demons this guy sounds like a giant fucking douche.
[But honestly? She's glad she finally got him to admit how screwed up it all was. It's. Not good to let those things stay inside.
Chloe is really good at doing that and she can speak from experience- it sucks. But it's hard to confide in people, especially because most people suck at actually helping anyway.
Another hit, before she keeps going.]
So what did we learn from this little therapy session? It's not your fucking fault and if you I hear you blame yourself again I'll kick your fucking ass.
[Get it? Got it? Good.]
Do you, like. Need a hug? [She's not offering-] I could probably send Munchies over for a bit...
[Yeah. He's kind of glad she got him to admit it too. Not that he ever wasn't cognizant of it, exactly, being internally cognizant of it and being able to say it aloud are two different things. It's a step forward, probably. He doesn't know, he doesn't know what recovery is supposed to look like. He thought it was sailing with his brother around the world and slowly rebuilding the relationship he'd destroyed, but that path to atonement is closed to him. So he's got this instead.]
That's... a kind offer, but no, thank you.
I think I will take a page out of your book, though.
[He recalls Bug Zapper, then stands and exits his room. Once outside he reaches into his jacket, into one of ever so many pockets, and pulls out his own stash of Persim zest. He's earned this. This is more vulnerable than he's been in a very long time.]
[Chloe lets out a chuckle at his response. She figured, but hey- at least it's on the table. Munchies would probably enjoy it, if nothing else. She reaches into her pocket to grab more zest so she can pack a little more before she decides to head back inside.
She's content to chill in silence as he goes out to smoke up as well. When he says that, she flinches and turns away.]
It's. It's fine.
[Listen, she appreciates the gesture, she does. But it's difficult to talk about Rachel, she'd only brought her up to prove a point.]
Practically ancient history. [Big zest inhale. Ahhh.] This- [coughcoughcough] -is some good shit. Damn.
The difference is I have a girlfriend I can go talk to about it.
[It comes out bitchier than she intends it to, which makes her feel guilty.
And the guilt is enough to make her realizes she's lying just a little with that statement, which honestly proves his point and makes her hypocritical if she doesn't talk about it.
It's not like she can't talk to Anna about it- she can, and she has. But there's a limit. She can't exactly come off too. Emotional. about the girl she dated previously. It would be weird, probably.]
Fuck. Okay. I take it back, you're right. [She throws up her hands.] Look- god, I don't know. She's dead and I'm still weird about it, there's not really much to say, it just- it all sucks. The entire situation.
[Ford listens to her talk as he lights up. He waits until he's let out the smoke, and then a little longer after that even, before he says anything. He's not great at phrasing things, and he knows it, and that means he needs to give what he says here particular thought. It's that or make it worse.]
Of course it 'sucks'. I'd be far more worried if it didn't bother you.
[He's lucky, he realizes suddenly, because everyone he loves is still alive. Losing Stan was devastating and from that alone he can understand something of what she's feeling, but losing Stan was also temporary. He didn't have time for the weight and sheer permanence of the loss to settle deep into his bones.
Of course he doesn't give a shit that his father is dead. Good riddance.]
[Chloe rolls her eyes softly at the first comment. She's not good at this- opening up, so she's going to be a little bit of a brat along the way. She's just. Feeling a lot right now, now that they're talking about Rachel.
It's taking all she has not to just turn off the gear and go to bed. But damn if she hasn't had anyone to talk to about it. She's mentioned Rachel, said how important she is, but. She didn't go into all the details. Didn't say how much it fucking sucks. How much she loved her.]
She'd been missing a while. [Chloe isn't looking at the camera. She's found something to focus on, so that she doesn't have to look at him.] but when I woke up here, I'd... only known for a day or two that- that she was actually dead.
[She's gonnaaaa. Smoke some more.]
And like- cool. Great. She's dead. I get that! I've already gotten boohoo-ey about it, I'm practically over it. [or- trying to be?] What I can't fucking stand is that I feel bad about being over it. About- about trying not to think about her. Or about Max. About everyone. Because thinking about them fucking hurts, but if I don't I feel like a horrible person.
[Oof. Chloe hasn't really expressed this to anyone, but now it's like she can't stop, like she's wanted to get it out for a while but there's been no outlet.]
But I'm here now. I have to be here, otherwise I- I die too. I can't go back. So that's why I should just. Try and forget them all.
[Ah. It all thunks into place with a sudden perfect clarity. In the end they both wanted the same thing: to keep moving. To keep going, because that was the most pragmatic option.]
Moving on isn't disrespectful. It isn't cowardly. It's how people survive.
[Source: he spent most of his life moving on, cutting ties, drifting from life to life until that life got too dangerous and he had to fall into a new one. Does he desperately wish he could undo certain things? Yes. Does he think every day about what it might be like if he could go back, could find some of the people (one of the people) he left behind? Of course. But he can't, so it's not worth dwelling on where there are things in front of him to work toward.
That attitude hasn't always been healthy for him, but it has also saved his life in a lot of ways.]
No one should spend their whole life arrested by their own guilt and regret.
[She's feeling. A lot right now. It would be so easy to just turn off the gear and go to bed and pretend like this never happened. To go back to pretending like she doesn't know why she feels so. Weird.
But that isn't healthy. She knows that isn't healthy. And she would be hypocritical, considering she just helped him with his own problems. Bleh.
Life is hard.]
I think we also just learned that it's not easy to just erase feelings, either. But... [But he has a point. And his words- "moving on isn't disrespectful" is kind of echoing a lot in her head.
Almost like it's what she needed to hear.] Thanks. For saying that, I guess. It's weird but I feel. Almost better? That's gotta count for something. Man- fuck. Emotions are too much work sometimes, aren't they? You ever just wish you could... I dunno. Remove them?
I did teach myself to shut off my own fear response.
[Explains a lot, doesn't it?]
But I can't in good conscience recommend that approach in all areas.
[He's not trying to make light of the situation, really, but it's easier than really digging into the emotional meat of what they're talking about. Of course he knows what it's like to wish you could just not feel. He spent a long time convincing himself he was a lot less prone to emotion than he was, just to try to escape it. Fat lot of good that did him.]
I think -- if I may offer an opinion -- that it's far more important to move forward toward a goal than it is to dwell on the past. As a man who has done a lot of dwelling, who shaped his life around it for a long time, it won't help you in the long run.
[If he hadn't spent forty years holding onto a stupid grudge things would have gone very differently. Dwelling on his own guilt over his mistakes is... different, he feels. He wouldn't call that dwelling so much as learning. He carries the mistakes he made with Bill very close to his heart to ensure he never, never makes them again.]
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 08:48 am (UTC)[It feels so stupid trying to defend this. Hindsight is 20/20 and all. He should have just been content pining after a married man and knowing full well he could never have him. But Bill had been so smart, and so funny, and so mysterious, and had made him feel good about himself. Like maybe he really could change the world.]
I was lonely and easily-manipulated. I suppose he wanted as much leverage as he could get. Once I discovered his true nature and stopped listening to him he resorted to other avenues. That's what I meant when I said that sort of thing was always something he found funny. As a being with no physical form the concept of pain was novel to him.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 09:00 am (UTC)Dude, he totally took advantage of you! I don't think you realize how many movies there are about how this kind of shit isn't okay.
[And not only that-]
Look, I- [She lets out an audible "ugh", because sharing her feelings and relating personally is. Weird. So she's gotta make a show of it.] back in my universe. Someone lied to someone I was... I was close to. [That's putting it mildly.] He made her believe things, and then she- she was murdered. Do you think that was her fault? Fuck no!
no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 09:22 am (UTC)Of course that wasn't her fault. It's...
[It's the same damn thing, no matter how much he feels like it ought to be different for him. He sure doesn't think it was Dipper's fault that Bill manipulated him. Of course it wasn't.]
I realize that he took advantage of me. Trust me. I know that he was a monster. When torturing me didn't work he moved on to my family.
[His voice is quiet. This is the crux of it, isn't it, because if it had just been him he'd be a lot more at peace with it. He would have willingly died to stop Bill. For a long time that was the plan. But then his brother and Mabel and Dipper got drawn into it, and he feels incredible guilt still over the knowledge that his hubris could have gotten them killed. In a way it did kill his brother, and it was only thanks to a miracle that he was brought back.]
He couldn't kill me because he needed the information that was in my mind, where he couldn't get to it. But he tried very, very hard to kill my niece and nephew.
[So when he was shocked just now, it wasn't just the torture itself that was brought back. It was those days he spent desperately hoping his family was safe, knowing they probably weren't. It was hearing Bill say maybe torturing those kids will make you talk. It was seeing Mabel and Dipper struggling in Bill's hand and knowing that two children were about to die because of his mistakes.]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-17 05:48 am (UTC)She moves over to a secluded spot and sets the gear down so that she can light up her bowl and take a big draw.]
Even for demons this guy sounds like a giant fucking douche.
[But honestly? She's glad she finally got him to admit how screwed up it all was. It's. Not good to let those things stay inside.
Chloe is really good at doing that and she can speak from experience- it sucks. But it's hard to confide in people, especially because most people suck at actually helping anyway.
Another hit, before she keeps going.]
So what did we learn from this little therapy session? It's not your fucking fault and if you I hear you blame yourself again I'll kick your fucking ass.
[Get it? Got it? Good.]
Do you, like. Need a hug? [She's not offering-] I could probably send Munchies over for a bit...
no subject
Date: 2018-02-17 06:02 am (UTC)That's... a kind offer, but no, thank you.
I think I will take a page out of your book, though.
[He recalls Bug Zapper, then stands and exits his room. Once outside he reaches into his jacket, into one of ever so many pockets, and pulls out his own stash of Persim zest. He's earned this. This is more vulnerable than he's been in a very long time.]
I'm sorry. About your friend.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-17 07:31 am (UTC)She's content to chill in silence as he goes out to smoke up as well. When he says that, she flinches and turns away.]
It's. It's fine.
[Listen, she appreciates the gesture, she does. But it's difficult to talk about Rachel, she'd only brought her up to prove a point.]
Practically ancient history. [Big zest inhale. Ahhh.] This- [coughcoughcough] -is some good shit. Damn.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-17 07:37 am (UTC)What lesson did we just finish learning, Chloe?
no subject
Date: 2018-02-17 07:46 am (UTC)[It comes out bitchier than she intends it to, which makes her feel guilty.
And the guilt is enough to make her realizes she's lying just a little with that statement, which honestly proves his point and makes her hypocritical if she doesn't talk about it.
It's not like she can't talk to Anna about it- she can, and she has. But there's a limit. She can't exactly come off too. Emotional. about the girl she dated previously. It would be weird, probably.]
Fuck. Okay. I take it back, you're right. [She throws up her hands.] Look- god, I don't know. She's dead and I'm still weird about it, there's not really much to say, it just- it all sucks. The entire situation.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-17 08:01 am (UTC)Of course it 'sucks'. I'd be far more worried if it didn't bother you.
[He's lucky, he realizes suddenly, because everyone he loves is still alive. Losing Stan was devastating and from that alone he can understand something of what she's feeling, but losing Stan was also temporary. He didn't have time for the weight and sheer permanence of the loss to settle deep into his bones.
Of course he doesn't give a shit that his father is dead. Good riddance.]
How long ago was it?
no subject
Date: 2018-02-17 08:14 am (UTC)It's taking all she has not to just turn off the gear and go to bed. But damn if she hasn't had anyone to talk to about it. She's mentioned Rachel, said how important she is, but. She didn't go into all the details. Didn't say how much it fucking sucks. How much she loved her.]
She'd been missing a while. [Chloe isn't looking at the camera. She's found something to focus on, so that she doesn't have to look at him.] but when I woke up here, I'd... only known for a day or two that- that she was actually dead.
[She's gonnaaaa. Smoke some more.]
And like- cool. Great. She's dead. I get that! I've already gotten boohoo-ey about it, I'm practically over it. [or- trying to be?] What I can't fucking stand is that I feel bad about being over it. About- about trying not to think about her. Or about Max. About everyone. Because thinking about them fucking hurts, but if I don't I feel like a horrible person.
[Oof. Chloe hasn't really expressed this to anyone, but now it's like she can't stop, like she's wanted to get it out for a while but there's been no outlet.]
But I'm here now. I have to be here, otherwise I- I die too. I can't go back. So that's why I should just. Try and forget them all.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-17 08:23 am (UTC)Moving on isn't disrespectful. It isn't cowardly. It's how people survive.
[Source: he spent most of his life moving on, cutting ties, drifting from life to life until that life got too dangerous and he had to fall into a new one. Does he desperately wish he could undo certain things? Yes. Does he think every day about what it might be like if he could go back, could find some of the people (one of the people) he left behind? Of course. But he can't, so it's not worth dwelling on where there are things in front of him to work toward.
That attitude hasn't always been healthy for him, but it has also saved his life in a lot of ways.]
No one should spend their whole life arrested by their own guilt and regret.
[And they probably both need to hear that, huh?]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-22 09:15 am (UTC)[She's feeling. A lot right now. It would be so easy to just turn off the gear and go to bed and pretend like this never happened. To go back to pretending like she doesn't know why she feels so. Weird.
But that isn't healthy. She knows that isn't healthy. And she would be hypocritical, considering she just helped him with his own problems. Bleh.
Life is hard.]
I think we also just learned that it's not easy to just erase feelings, either. But... [But he has a point. And his words- "moving on isn't disrespectful" is kind of echoing a lot in her head.
Almost like it's what she needed to hear.] Thanks. For saying that, I guess. It's weird but I feel. Almost better? That's gotta count for something. Man- fuck. Emotions are too much work sometimes, aren't they? You ever just wish you could... I dunno. Remove them?
no subject
Date: 2018-02-22 10:20 am (UTC)[Explains a lot, doesn't it?]
But I can't in good conscience recommend that approach in all areas.
[He's not trying to make light of the situation, really, but it's easier than really digging into the emotional meat of what they're talking about. Of course he knows what it's like to wish you could just not feel. He spent a long time convincing himself he was a lot less prone to emotion than he was, just to try to escape it. Fat lot of good that did him.]
I think -- if I may offer an opinion -- that it's far more important to move forward toward a goal than it is to dwell on the past. As a man who has done a lot of dwelling, who shaped his life around it for a long time, it won't help you in the long run.
[If he hadn't spent forty years holding onto a stupid grudge things would have gone very differently. Dwelling on his own guilt over his mistakes is... different, he feels. He wouldn't call that dwelling so much as learning. He carries the mistakes he made with Bill very close to his heart to ensure he never, never makes them again.]