[Sometimes she's really too nice for her own good. She's fully aware that she could've just slipped out of this interaction, but it's true. She's asking. If she doesn't, she'd feel bad knowing he'd probably have a sleepless night and dwell on whatever he's looking dark about.
She's been there. It sucks.]
What's that mean? [There's an implication there, she can smell it.]
[HhhhhHHH he didn't want to have to say it plainly but she sure is making it difficult not to. Ford can usually brush off the horrible things that have happened to him with an offhand macabre joke, but this is too new and after being reminded of it in such a distressing way he's not in the right mindset to be joking.]
It means the last time I had that much electricity in my system I was being tortured.
Now it makes sense. But damn that's really fucked up, but it's not like she hasn't dealt with her share of fucked up in life. She's seen a lot.]
Maybe from now on don't get cozy with a living PTSD trigger? Geez. [Sorry, that just. Seems like a bad idea.] So how'd that happen, were you in a war like my stepdouche?
One of the best ways to overcome a fear is controlled exposure to it. That was just... less controlled than it could have been.
[And it's not entirely Bug Zapper's fault. He's barely past level twenty. He doesn't know how to handle his own power yet. The only person Ford is angry with here is himself.]
You could call it a war.
[There's so much to explain and it goes back so far. How does he even begin to tackle it?]
A demon entered my universe intending to begin the apocalypse. Unfortunately for him he entered into an area with a natural protective barrier around it that he and his cronies couldn't pass through, and I was the only one who knew how to lower it. That was the information he wanted.
[In this case, she's not really sure she agrees with this approach. Under normal circumstances maybe? But putting yourself in a situation where getting shocked fucks you up in the head is probably a little too much in her opinion.
And then he gets to talking about demons and the apocalypse and wow, that's. Not the kind of universe she realized he was from. She knew he was scientific and shit, but- this is news.]
Dude, that's. fucked up. [To say the least.] And you can say it's fucked up, stop trying to be so... proper about it.
How else am I meant to be about it? It's just something that happened, one more thing in a very long line of them. Obviously I survived.
[And that means he should be able to just... not care. He should be able to just turn off the way his chest still feels tight and his hands are still shaking. It's not like Bill is here, it's not like he's in any real danger, so he has no reason to be upset.
See, Ford is old, and he was raised in a household where showing any sign of weakness was heavily frowned upon. It's difficult still for him to allow himself to do anything other than deflect and insist it's not a big deal, because to a real man it wouldn't be, would it?]
I mean she's one to talk, considering she does her fair share of just. Compartmentalizing and coming off so unphased by everything. But she also isn't one to just dismiss shit she's feeling. Not when it's big shit.]
Some psycho freak decided to fucking shock you. Bad, apparently, considering you looked really fucking shaken. But yeah, sure, bottle it up. That's never ended badly for anyone, ever.
[He knows she's right. He knows what ignoring these things does. And he'd like to think he's learned from his past mistakes, but there's so much to unpack and he hates to admit he's scared to start. He never planned to back in 46'\ and maybe that wasn't all that healthy either, even if it had felt so good to just focus on having a family again. Maybe he would have been having this conversation with Stan instead, eventually, when they were both ready to face it.]
I would say that severe internal and external burns and a dislocated shoulder was 'bad', yes.
[Better than it could have been. He could be dead.]
In a way, she's oddly invested in seeing this through. It's.. incredibly interesting, if nothing else. It's turning out to be way more interesting than it originally was when she thought it was just some weird war PTSD. Now it's demonic PTSD.
She's here for it. It's not far off from the weird shit she's witnessed.
But there's something in the way he says that last bit, something that strikes her as significant. It sounds personal. Does this go deeper than just-?
Oh boy this is some Mark Jefferson bullshit unfolding before her eyes.]
[He told Armin. He told Armin and he can tell her. It's perhaps one of the things he regrets most in his life but it's part of the story as much as any of the rest of it.]
The demon. Bill Cipher. Those days I spent as his prisoner were not the first time I was in contact with him.
When I was younger and far more naive he manipulated me into building a doorway between my world and his. He told me that he was a muse, that he chose one great mind every few centuries to inspire, and I believed him. In reality I was his puppet.
Literally. [Ha, ha. It's funny because it's really, really not funny. The smile he manages to drag onto his face is bitter and rueful.] He could only interact with my world through the mindscape; if he needed a physical body he borrowed mine.
So yeah, this went deeper than she expected. Not that she can't handle it, that would be stupid. But it's a lot more fucked up than she'd originally thought- which says so much, because it was already fucked up.]
Oh, dude that's hella fucked up. It sounds like this guy really played you.
[Which. Mm. She really is having some Mark Jefferson flashbacks. Not really on the same level, of course, but- they both sounds like pieces of shit. But the more she thinks about it, the worse it gets.]
Wait, so you're saying he possessed you? Talk about a serious mindfuck, I can't even imagine.
[Much as it's still odd to be talking about this with anyone, it's kind of vindicating to have someone say outright how fucked up it all is. He got used to treating it as just... something that happened. Just something normal. Something he deserved, a little, for being so stupid.]
It's alright. I had a metal plate installed to keep him out. [He raises a hand and knocks gently on the side of his head. Clang clang. People tend to not believe him until they hear the clang.]
You have to understand that I let him possess me. I thought he was my friend. It wasn't until I realized his true nature that it became a, ah. Mindfuck.
[Oh yeah. That's typical, most people need to get metal plates so that their demons stop fucking around their head.
That's. So strange. But then again so is your best friend popping back into your life and suddenly having time travel powers. So one's weird might be another's normal, who is she to judge. Either way, this man is Bothered by it and here she is helping him out.
As far as her life's gone, that tracks.]
Yeah, you let him when you thought he was chill. Then you realized he wasn't and he still kept going.
[MMMMMMM.
That's a Strong Implication that she didn't mean to stumble into, but here they are.]
Everybody lies. You trusted him, he fucked you over. You don't have to look for reasons to blame yourself.
[Yeah it's. Yeah. It's a lot. 'He's taking advantage while I sleep' sure are words he wrote.]
Then who am I supposed to blame? I was taken in by obvious lies because I wanted to believe them. I nearly doomed my entire reality for some flattery. At least some portion of the blame rests on my shoulders.
Oh, I dunno, you could try blaming him? [Chloe is. Honestly getting kind of passionate about this. It just seems stupid to blame himself when you're dealing with a goddamn demon.] Are you forgetting that we're talking about a demon here? Y'know, the things that are supposed to be hella tempting and shit?
[It just seems really obvious to her. Obviously some Next Level shit was going on here.]
You're way too gung ho to blame yourself for this, what's up with that? It's not like you guys got divorced, this is some freaky out of this world shit.
He was the third friend I had ever managed to make in my life. The first was my brother and the second was happily married.
[It feels so stupid trying to defend this. Hindsight is 20/20 and all. He should have just been content pining after a married man and knowing full well he could never have him. But Bill had been so smart, and so funny, and so mysterious, and had made him feel good about himself. Like maybe he really could change the world.]
I was lonely and easily-manipulated. I suppose he wanted as much leverage as he could get. Once I discovered his true nature and stopped listening to him he resorted to other avenues. That's what I meant when I said that sort of thing was always something he found funny. As a being with no physical form the concept of pain was novel to him.
[Chloe is still trying to process it, honestly. It's not that she's. Judging. Because she's very not, considering her history. But wow. This suddenly has even more layers than she previously thought.]
Dude, he totally took advantage of you! I don't think you realize how many movies there are about how this kind of shit isn't okay.
[And not only that-]
Look, I- [She lets out an audible "ugh", because sharing her feelings and relating personally is. Weird. So she's gotta make a show of it.] back in my universe. Someone lied to someone I was... I was close to. [That's putting it mildly.] He made her believe things, and then she- she was murdered. Do you think that was her fault? Fuck no!
[Whuf. Ford physically pulls back a little from the tiny screen.]
Of course that wasn't her fault. It's...
[It's the same damn thing, no matter how much he feels like it ought to be different for him. He sure doesn't think it was Dipper's fault that Bill manipulated him. Of course it wasn't.]
I realize that he took advantage of me. Trust me. I know that he was a monster. When torturing me didn't work he moved on to my family.
[His voice is quiet. This is the crux of it, isn't it, because if it had just been him he'd be a lot more at peace with it. He would have willingly died to stop Bill. For a long time that was the plan. But then his brother and Mabel and Dipper got drawn into it, and he feels incredible guilt still over the knowledge that his hubris could have gotten them killed. In a way it did kill his brother, and it was only thanks to a miracle that he was brought back.]
He couldn't kill me because he needed the information that was in my mind, where he couldn't get to it. But he tried very, very hard to kill my niece and nephew.
[So when he was shocked just now, it wasn't just the torture itself that was brought back. It was those days he spent desperately hoping his family was safe, knowing they probably weren't. It was hearing Bill say maybe torturing those kids will make you talk. It was seeing Mabel and Dipper struggling in Bill's hand and knowing that two children were about to die because of his mistakes.]
[As he talks, Chloe zips up her hoodie and makes her way outside. This has been a really heavy conversation, it's time to smoke up. She's listening as she moves through the inn and steps out the back door.
She moves over to a secluded spot and sets the gear down so that she can light up her bowl and take a big draw.]
Even for demons this guy sounds like a giant fucking douche.
[But honestly? She's glad she finally got him to admit how screwed up it all was. It's. Not good to let those things stay inside.
Chloe is really good at doing that and she can speak from experience- it sucks. But it's hard to confide in people, especially because most people suck at actually helping anyway.
Another hit, before she keeps going.]
So what did we learn from this little therapy session? It's not your fucking fault and if you I hear you blame yourself again I'll kick your fucking ass.
[Get it? Got it? Good.]
Do you, like. Need a hug? [She's not offering-] I could probably send Munchies over for a bit...
[Yeah. He's kind of glad she got him to admit it too. Not that he ever wasn't cognizant of it, exactly, being internally cognizant of it and being able to say it aloud are two different things. It's a step forward, probably. He doesn't know, he doesn't know what recovery is supposed to look like. He thought it was sailing with his brother around the world and slowly rebuilding the relationship he'd destroyed, but that path to atonement is closed to him. So he's got this instead.]
That's... a kind offer, but no, thank you.
I think I will take a page out of your book, though.
[He recalls Bug Zapper, then stands and exits his room. Once outside he reaches into his jacket, into one of ever so many pockets, and pulls out his own stash of Persim zest. He's earned this. This is more vulnerable than he's been in a very long time.]
[Chloe lets out a chuckle at his response. She figured, but hey- at least it's on the table. Munchies would probably enjoy it, if nothing else. She reaches into her pocket to grab more zest so she can pack a little more before she decides to head back inside.
She's content to chill in silence as he goes out to smoke up as well. When he says that, she flinches and turns away.]
It's. It's fine.
[Listen, she appreciates the gesture, she does. But it's difficult to talk about Rachel, she'd only brought her up to prove a point.]
Practically ancient history. [Big zest inhale. Ahhh.] This- [coughcoughcough] -is some good shit. Damn.
The difference is I have a girlfriend I can go talk to about it.
[It comes out bitchier than she intends it to, which makes her feel guilty.
And the guilt is enough to make her realizes she's lying just a little with that statement, which honestly proves his point and makes her hypocritical if she doesn't talk about it.
It's not like she can't talk to Anna about it- she can, and she has. But there's a limit. She can't exactly come off too. Emotional. about the girl she dated previously. It would be weird, probably.]
Fuck. Okay. I take it back, you're right. [She throws up her hands.] Look- god, I don't know. She's dead and I'm still weird about it, there's not really much to say, it just- it all sucks. The entire situation.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 05:30 am (UTC)She's been there. It sucks.]
What's that mean? [There's an implication there, she can smell it.]
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Date: 2018-02-16 05:38 am (UTC)It means the last time I had that much electricity in my system I was being tortured.
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Date: 2018-02-16 05:44 am (UTC)Oh yikes.
Now it makes sense. But damn that's really fucked up, but it's not like she hasn't dealt with her share of fucked up in life. She's seen a lot.]
Maybe from now on don't get cozy with a living PTSD trigger? Geez. [Sorry, that just. Seems like a bad idea.] So how'd that happen, were you in a war like my stepdouche?
no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 06:00 am (UTC)[And it's not entirely Bug Zapper's fault. He's barely past level twenty. He doesn't know how to handle his own power yet. The only person Ford is angry with here is himself.]
You could call it a war.
[There's so much to explain and it goes back so far. How does he even begin to tackle it?]
A demon entered my universe intending to begin the apocalypse. Unfortunately for him he entered into an area with a natural protective barrier around it that he and his cronies couldn't pass through, and I was the only one who knew how to lower it. That was the information he wanted.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 06:10 am (UTC)And then he gets to talking about demons and the apocalypse and wow, that's. Not the kind of universe she realized he was from. She knew he was scientific and shit, but- this is news.]
Dude, that's. fucked up. [To say the least.] And you can say it's fucked up, stop trying to be so... proper about it.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 06:18 am (UTC)[And that means he should be able to just... not care. He should be able to just turn off the way his chest still feels tight and his hands are still shaking. It's not like Bill is here, it's not like he's in any real danger, so he has no reason to be upset.
See, Ford is old, and he was raised in a household where showing any sign of weakness was heavily frowned upon. It's difficult still for him to allow himself to do anything other than deflect and insist it's not a big deal, because to a real man it wouldn't be, would it?]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 06:28 am (UTC)[God.
I mean she's one to talk, considering she does her fair share of just. Compartmentalizing and coming off so unphased by everything. But she also isn't one to just dismiss shit she's feeling. Not when it's big shit.]
Some psycho freak decided to fucking shock you. Bad, apparently, considering you looked really fucking shaken. But yeah, sure, bottle it up. That's never ended badly for anyone, ever.
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Date: 2018-02-16 06:56 am (UTC)I would say that severe internal and external burns and a dislocated shoulder was 'bad', yes.
[Better than it could have been. He could be dead.]
He always thought that sort of thing was funny.
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Date: 2018-02-16 07:17 am (UTC)In a way, she's oddly invested in seeing this through. It's.. incredibly interesting, if nothing else. It's turning out to be way more interesting than it originally was when she thought it was just some weird war PTSD. Now it's demonic PTSD.
She's here for it. It's not far off from the weird shit she's witnessed.
But there's something in the way he says that last bit, something that strikes her as significant. It sounds personal. Does this go deeper than just-?
Oh boy this is some Mark Jefferson bullshit unfolding before her eyes.]
"He" who?
no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 07:32 am (UTC)The demon. Bill Cipher. Those days I spent as his prisoner were not the first time I was in contact with him.
When I was younger and far more naive he manipulated me into building a doorway between my world and his. He told me that he was a muse, that he chose one great mind every few centuries to inspire, and I believed him. In reality I was his puppet.
Literally. [Ha, ha. It's funny because it's really, really not funny. The smile he manages to drag onto his face is bitter and rueful.] He could only interact with my world through the mindscape; if he needed a physical body he borrowed mine.
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Date: 2018-02-16 07:45 am (UTC)So yeah, this went deeper than she expected. Not that she can't handle it, that would be stupid. But it's a lot more fucked up than she'd originally thought- which says so much, because it was already fucked up.]
Oh, dude that's hella fucked up. It sounds like this guy really played you.
[Which. Mm. She really is having some Mark Jefferson flashbacks. Not really on the same level, of course, but- they both sounds like pieces of shit. But the more she thinks about it, the worse it gets.]
Wait, so you're saying he possessed you? Talk about a serious mindfuck, I can't even imagine.
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Date: 2018-02-16 08:01 am (UTC)[Much as it's still odd to be talking about this with anyone, it's kind of vindicating to have someone say outright how fucked up it all is. He got used to treating it as just... something that happened. Just something normal. Something he deserved, a little, for being so stupid.]
It's alright. I had a metal plate installed to keep him out. [He raises a hand and knocks gently on the side of his head. Clang clang. People tend to not believe him until they hear the clang.]
You have to understand that I let him possess me. I thought he was my friend. It wasn't until I realized his true nature that it became a, ah. Mindfuck.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 08:18 am (UTC)That's. So strange. But then again so is your best friend popping back into your life and suddenly having time travel powers. So one's weird might be another's normal, who is she to judge. Either way, this man is Bothered by it and here she is helping him out.
As far as her life's gone, that tracks.]
Yeah, you let him when you thought he was chill. Then you realized he wasn't and he still kept going.
[MMMMMMM.
That's a Strong Implication that she didn't mean to stumble into, but here they are.]
Everybody lies. You trusted him, he fucked you over. You don't have to look for reasons to blame yourself.
this is basically just talking about abuse through the lens of demonic possession so, warning,
Date: 2018-02-16 08:27 am (UTC)Then who am I supposed to blame? I was taken in by obvious lies because I wanted to believe them. I nearly doomed my entire reality for some flattery. At least some portion of the blame rests on my shoulders.
^ very that,
Date: 2018-02-16 08:33 am (UTC)[It just seems really obvious to her. Obviously some Next Level shit was going on here.]
You're way too gung ho to blame yourself for this, what's up with that? It's not like you guys got divorced, this is some freaky out of this world shit.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 08:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 08:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 08:48 am (UTC)[It feels so stupid trying to defend this. Hindsight is 20/20 and all. He should have just been content pining after a married man and knowing full well he could never have him. But Bill had been so smart, and so funny, and so mysterious, and had made him feel good about himself. Like maybe he really could change the world.]
I was lonely and easily-manipulated. I suppose he wanted as much leverage as he could get. Once I discovered his true nature and stopped listening to him he resorted to other avenues. That's what I meant when I said that sort of thing was always something he found funny. As a being with no physical form the concept of pain was novel to him.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 09:00 am (UTC)Dude, he totally took advantage of you! I don't think you realize how many movies there are about how this kind of shit isn't okay.
[And not only that-]
Look, I- [She lets out an audible "ugh", because sharing her feelings and relating personally is. Weird. So she's gotta make a show of it.] back in my universe. Someone lied to someone I was... I was close to. [That's putting it mildly.] He made her believe things, and then she- she was murdered. Do you think that was her fault? Fuck no!
no subject
Date: 2018-02-16 09:22 am (UTC)Of course that wasn't her fault. It's...
[It's the same damn thing, no matter how much he feels like it ought to be different for him. He sure doesn't think it was Dipper's fault that Bill manipulated him. Of course it wasn't.]
I realize that he took advantage of me. Trust me. I know that he was a monster. When torturing me didn't work he moved on to my family.
[His voice is quiet. This is the crux of it, isn't it, because if it had just been him he'd be a lot more at peace with it. He would have willingly died to stop Bill. For a long time that was the plan. But then his brother and Mabel and Dipper got drawn into it, and he feels incredible guilt still over the knowledge that his hubris could have gotten them killed. In a way it did kill his brother, and it was only thanks to a miracle that he was brought back.]
He couldn't kill me because he needed the information that was in my mind, where he couldn't get to it. But he tried very, very hard to kill my niece and nephew.
[So when he was shocked just now, it wasn't just the torture itself that was brought back. It was those days he spent desperately hoping his family was safe, knowing they probably weren't. It was hearing Bill say maybe torturing those kids will make you talk. It was seeing Mabel and Dipper struggling in Bill's hand and knowing that two children were about to die because of his mistakes.]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-17 05:48 am (UTC)She moves over to a secluded spot and sets the gear down so that she can light up her bowl and take a big draw.]
Even for demons this guy sounds like a giant fucking douche.
[But honestly? She's glad she finally got him to admit how screwed up it all was. It's. Not good to let those things stay inside.
Chloe is really good at doing that and she can speak from experience- it sucks. But it's hard to confide in people, especially because most people suck at actually helping anyway.
Another hit, before she keeps going.]
So what did we learn from this little therapy session? It's not your fucking fault and if you I hear you blame yourself again I'll kick your fucking ass.
[Get it? Got it? Good.]
Do you, like. Need a hug? [She's not offering-] I could probably send Munchies over for a bit...
no subject
Date: 2018-02-17 06:02 am (UTC)That's... a kind offer, but no, thank you.
I think I will take a page out of your book, though.
[He recalls Bug Zapper, then stands and exits his room. Once outside he reaches into his jacket, into one of ever so many pockets, and pulls out his own stash of Persim zest. He's earned this. This is more vulnerable than he's been in a very long time.]
I'm sorry. About your friend.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-17 07:31 am (UTC)She's content to chill in silence as he goes out to smoke up as well. When he says that, she flinches and turns away.]
It's. It's fine.
[Listen, she appreciates the gesture, she does. But it's difficult to talk about Rachel, she'd only brought her up to prove a point.]
Practically ancient history. [Big zest inhale. Ahhh.] This- [coughcoughcough] -is some good shit. Damn.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-17 07:37 am (UTC)What lesson did we just finish learning, Chloe?
no subject
Date: 2018-02-17 07:46 am (UTC)[It comes out bitchier than she intends it to, which makes her feel guilty.
And the guilt is enough to make her realizes she's lying just a little with that statement, which honestly proves his point and makes her hypocritical if she doesn't talk about it.
It's not like she can't talk to Anna about it- she can, and she has. But there's a limit. She can't exactly come off too. Emotional. about the girl she dated previously. It would be weird, probably.]
Fuck. Okay. I take it back, you're right. [She throws up her hands.] Look- god, I don't know. She's dead and I'm still weird about it, there's not really much to say, it just- it all sucks. The entire situation.
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